Family dynamics is a subset of group dynamics. The term group dynamics was coined by a socio-psychologist, Kurt Lewin, in 1945. Group dynamics is the interplay of the behaviours, attitude and aptitude of members of a group and the effects of these on members of the group as well as the actualization of group goals.
Family is the smallest social unit. Family is a group of persons related by blood, marriage or adoption. According to Burgess and Locke in their 1945 work, The Family: From Institution to Companionship, “Family consists of a single household, interacting and intercommunicating with each other in their social roles of husband and wife, mother and father, son and daughter, brother and sister creating a common culture.” While that definition may hold true for Western countries, in our clime here in Nigeria and, by extension, Africa, family is much more than that. So, that definition by Burgess and Locke is defective. In Nigeria, a family is a group of people with a common ancestor. Thus, family consists of every living relation; grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, brother, sister, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces. As a matter of fact, kith and kin make up family in Nigeria.
I went that route to bring out a point. Family type determines family dynamics. The dynamics of a nuclear family portrayed by Burgess and Locke will be different from that of the extended family system practised in Africa.
Family dynamics is the mode of interaction among members of a family. It is also the organization of a family unit, the obligations, responsibility of family members and the factors that influence how they relate. Family dynamics determines how these roles and relationships influence communication styles, aspirations and expectations.
Since every interaction has consequences, family dynamics has its effects on members of the family as individuals as well as the family as an entity. As observed by Thomas, Liu and Umberson in their paper, Family Relationships and Well-Being, interpersonal interactions among family members have long-lasting effects on the overall development of an individual. So, the mores, values and virtues of a family play a critical role in the formation of the individual, the shaping of his character and the construction of his worldview.
Love
Love is a beautiful thing. Love makes living exciting. Love makes hustling enjoyable. Love breeds hope. Love births energy. Love inspires creativity. Some of the most beautiful songs ever were composed for love. Some of the greatest works of art were inspired by love. He who is rich in everything but is poor in love is of all beings the most pitiable.
Love is an emotion characterized by strong feelings of affection for another arising out of kinship, companionship, admiration or benevolence. The purpose of love is to make its object better. Hence, love is never passive but rather passionate; it never takes a rest until its purpose is accomplished.
Love is emotionally connecting with a person or a group of persons. Love is bonding. It is caring about issues that matter to someone or some people. It is being concerned about what concerns them. It is being interested in their progress and well being. It is helping them to become better individuals. It is helping them to lead a fulfilling life. It is positively shaping their lives.
Love is the common thread that runs in a family. Family members are obligated to love one another even when they don’t agree on issues or when they pursue different interests. Family should be the most secure fortress for any individual. One may not be appreciated or valued by others but the story is different with family. The Yoruba people put it perfectly by saying gbogbo omo l’akin l’oju iya e (Every child is valued by the mother). Family members have one another’s back. Family members go on a limb for one another. Family members bear one another’s burdens.
Love also connotes erotic desire between members of the opposite sex or even members of the same sex. Copulation should be the most valuable gift anyone can give another because it is akin to the release of your innermost treasure to another person. It is like surrendering your being to another. But sex has become commoditized; it is often given in return for favours. Nevertheless, its commoditization has not deprived sex of its usefulness. It still serves the purpose of romantic expression, conjugal consummation and procreation.
Expression of Love
Dr Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, gave the world languages of love as contained in his 1992 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In the book, he identifies five different ways of expressing or receiving love. These are Affirmation, Service, Gifts, Time and Touch.
1. Words of Affirmation
If you love someone, you build them up with your words; you do not pull them down. You make your partner or child’s day by complementing them. Words have power. As a matter of fact, words have life. Relationship is strengthened when partners make complementing each other a way of life.
When last did you tell your spouse, “I love you”? When last did you tell your daughter, “You are awesome”? When last did you tell your son, “You look great”? When last did you tell your friend, “I appreciate you”?
These words are simple and common but the effect they have on the hearers is out of this world, especially when they are uttered with sincerity.
2. Acts of Service
Another way of expressing love is by lending support to the object of love. If the purpose of love is to make the object of one’s love better, it goes without saying that the loved ones must be supported to achieve their goals.
How much support do you give to your partner’s aspiration?
How well do you support your child’s plan?
How much of support do your siblings or friends receive from you?
3. Giving Gifts
Everyone loves getting gifts. But gifts speak a number of languages. What you give as a gift is a pointer to how you rate the receiver. Therefore, put a little thought into what you give your loved ones so that you drive home the right message even when the gift is a simple one.
4. Quality Time
Bonding is enhanced when time is shared. To show affection to your loved ones, create time for them. We all find time for what we consider important. So, if you value your loved ones indeed, you will find time for them.
5. Physical Touches
Nothing is as frustrating as unexpressed love. So, show affection by holding hands, kissing, hugging and other touches. Appropriate touches convey warmth, safety and assurance. They also boost confidence. But when you fail to demonstrate affection by touching your loved ones, you create a gulf that will affect the relationship.
Characteristics of Love
1. Love gives – If you really love, you will not but give. You may give without loving but you cannot love without giving.
2. Love is forgiving – If you love indeed, you are quick to forgive. The power of love weakens the pains of hurt.
3. Love is selfless – If you genuinely love, you are willing to subsume your interests for your partner’s interests.
As good and beautiful as love is, it has its downsides. Lives have been lost because of love. Thrones have been destroyed because of love. There have been wars fought because of love. One of these is the famed Trojan War.
As the story goes, Helen, a Greek princess was betrothed to Menelaus, the King of Sparta. However, she was having a secret affair with Paris, a Prince of Troy. But Paris was not satisfied with the “coded affair” he had with Helen. So, he abducted Helen on the night of her wedding and escaped with her to Troy. When Menelaus got to know what happened, he called upon all the cities of Greece to join him to rescue his wife.
But Troy was one of the most heavily fortified cities of the time. So, the conflict evolved into a ten-year siege of the city, with many of the most revered warriors of the era- Ajax, Hector, and Achilles – being involved in the battle. After years of fighting, an ingenious plan, devised by Odysseus, resolved the conflict. Odysseus and 50 of his men hid inside a hollow wooden horse of colossal size, and the Greeks offered the “statue” as a gift to the Trojans to call for a truce. Much debate ensued over whether to accept or not, but the Trojans later decided to accept the “Greek Gift” and allowed the wooden horse inside the city. There was no consensus on where to keep the gift, so it was left in the open. In the dead of the night, Odysseus and his men came out of the horse and opened the gates of Troy, and signaled to the Greek warships- which were hidden just out of visible distance from Troy- to return. Troy was destroyed and nearly all its people killed. Menelaus, eventually, was able to rescue Helen, his wife.
Imagine killing thousands and destroying a whole city because of love.
Loyalty
Loyalty is a feeling of allegiance to a person or a cause. It is having a feeling of obligation or sense of duty. According to Josiah Royce in his 1908 book, The Philosophy of Loyalty, “loyalty is the willing, practical and thoroughgoing devotion of a person to a cause” in that it is not merely a casual interest but a wholehearted commitment to a cause. He adds that loyalty is “the heart of all the virtues, the central duty amongst all the duties”.
Loyalty may be interpersonal as that between a parent and a child, two spouses or two good friends. Loyalty may also be from a person to a group of people such as loyalty by a person to his or her family, to a team that he or she is a member of, or to his or her country.
Loyalty is betrayed when there is a mismatch in feelings or emotions.
Love should be fully reciprocated, but experience has proven that more often than not, love is either not reciprocated at all or disproportionately reciprocated. It is this gap in reciprocation that leaves room for disloyalty.
As put by Teddy Pendergrass in his 1978 album titled When Somebody Loves You Back, the only time that love is good is when it is reciprocated.
Pendergrass sings:
It’s so good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires
Just appreciate the little things I do
Oh, you’re the one who’s got me inspired
Keep on liftin’, liftin’ me higher
So good, good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back.
In another stanza, he says,
It’s so good needin’ somebody
And that somebody needs you back
We can build a world of love, a life of joy
Make our goal each other’s happiness
I will do for you anything that I can
Oh, everyday I want to do a little more
Do a little more, just a little bit more.
Then, he goes forward
It’s so good needin’ somebody
And that somebody needs you back
Said not seventy-thirty
Not sixty-forty
Talkin’ ’bout a fifty-fifty love
Though Pendergrass recommends 50/50 love, it is my considered opinion that love ought to be 100 per cent apiece. If you share 100, there is still room for 50 with each of the partners, which can be channeled to other people. That can lead to disloyalty. So, it is best to have 100 per cent on both sides that means there is no room for anyone else and there will not be any chance for disloyalty.
Likes
A “like” is a feature built into social networks and other online platforms that allows users to express their approval or interest in specific content. By clicking the “like” button, users can provide positive feedback quickly and easily, connecting with topics or posts that appeal to them. The “like” button was popularized by Facebook, which introduced it with great success in 2009.
Likes are a quick way to measure engagement, popularity, and reach. These metrics are used by business owners and influencers to assess audience interest, and they frequently depend on “like” counts to determine the effectiveness of their material. Because likes increase credibility and visibility, many companies are willing to pay for engagement to boos
